He Sees My Heart

I just love the way that the Father weaves together His story throughout our lives.  It's absolutely amazing.  I am just blown away at how the Lord has spoken to me this weekend.  I know it is because I was in the right place at the right time and my heart was ready.  I know that with complete certainty.  

The youth from church were going to the Forward conference this weekend, and the church had a couple of extra tickets. I wanted to go, but I didn't really want to spend the money.  (When did I become a grown up?!?!)  Even Wednesday night before they left on Thursday, I was still questioning whether or not I should go.  We were sitting at church and I said, "You know... I want to go, but I just haven't felt the Lord confirm that I'm supposed to go."  I went on to explain some circumstances that I thought were keeping me here.  Ashton, in all of her 16 year-old wisdom, said "Yeah.  I think you're supposed to stay home this weekend."  (She followed that with, "But you know I love Carrie Beth and want her to go, I just think she needs to stay home." Haha!  Glad to know I'm loved!)  So I stayed.  I honestly believe with all my heart that I wouldn’t have had the sweet alone time with the Lord that I had this weekend if I had gone with them.  So thankful.

Since Karen went to Forward as a chaperone, Greg and I were "in charge" of the Gathering Place band practice Friday night.  As soon as I walked in, he said to me "I have a word for the kids.  I need you to play some worship music after I talk. I want us all to spend some time in prayer."  He spoke to the kids, and we each went off to our own spots and prayed.  Nothing life-altering happened during that prayer time, but my heart was softened.  I felt it.  That night was the night I came home and stayed up until after 3 a.m. reading and worshipping and confessing and talking with the Lord.  Life changing.  

Earlier in the day on Friday, my friend Nicole asked me if I'd heard the song "As Long as it Takes" by Meredith Andrews.  She said it came on her iPod that day and she'd immediately thought of me.  She shared a couple of the lyrics with me, and I immediately teared up.  I knew it was a God thing for her to send me that song.  I listened to a snippit of it on YouTube, but I didn't download it because I was nowhere near WiFi.  My afternoon was crazy and my evening was full of Gathering Place goodness, so I downloaded it immediately when I got home from Gathering Place.  I cried.  (Big surprise there.)  I sent Nicole a text and thanked her for sharing it with me, because I felt it was speaking my heart for me.  This was before I had my time with the Lord.  

Recently, I've been doing some thinking about my future.  Both my career and the desires I have to be a wife and a mom.  I spent some time Saturday morning with a coworker.  She's an amazing teacher and a good friend.  I'm blessed to work with her and grow from her knowledge and experience.  We got our toenails painted for the 4th of July week, shopped around town a little, and went to the Bistro for lunch.  Toward the end of our time together, our conversation turned to "shop talk" about school.  She brought up my EdS degree that I'm working on and encouraged me to think about various ways I could use it throughout my career.  Our conversation really blessed me because it shed some light on options that I’ve never even considered.  Do I know exactly what I want out of my career?  No, and that is ok.  I’m going to walk in faith that the Lord knows exactly what He wants for me.

As for marriage and children, I've also done a lot of thinking in those areas.  My friends over at SingleRoots posted an article this past week about praying for your future spouse.  Usually when I get a SingleRoots post in my inbox, I immediately stop what I’m doing and devour it!  This time, I simply glanced through it and didn't even stop to read it.  I just pushed it away based on its title.  Sometime Friday night, I had the fleeting thought that I'm scared to really pray for my future.  Those of you that know me in real life know that I love to joke around about my lack of a love life, my need for a husband and dual-income (no, I'm not really that superficial), and the ovaries that I claim "jump" when I hold babies and the eggs that I'm just sure are dying off now that I'm 30.  I'm a great big ball of laughs when it comes to my singleness.  I joke about it as a way to cover up the crippling insecurities and doubts and fears I have in those specific areas.  

Last night I sat down and spent some times in prayer.  I thanked the Lord for what He had done in my life the night before.  I spent a good deal of time confessing areas in my life that I know to be weaknesses.  I prayed that He would help me become the woman He desires for me to be - not the woman I think I need to be or the woman I think someone else needs me to be.  Then I spent some time praying about my future.  I wrote out my prayer, and I am so thankful that I did.  Here's a snippet:

"I think it's finally hit me that I don't pray about my future because I'm scared.  I'm scared to admit that I don't trust You sometimes.  Lord, that's awful.  I'm so sorry. Maybe part of it is that I'm scared to admit just what I desire.  I scared to admit that I worry I'll never receive those blessings.  I'm scared that I really am not good enough. I barely have my life together as it is.  Could I successfully be a wife?  A true homemaker?  A mother?  I'm unsure.  Maybe that's what scares me - admitting that I'm not ready.  But even still, I know it's the desire of my heart - to be a wife and a mother. Jesus, I'm giving it to you.  You're the only one that can write this story the right way.  I'm tired of self-editing.  The pen is yours.  I trust you, Lord.  I trust you."

The neat thing about that sweet time with the Lord is that I walked away knowing I’d given Him absolutely everything.  My mindset has changed.  It’s no longer “I’m-going-to-give-Him-this-so-He-will-give-me-what-I-want.”  It’s more about giving Him every part of me so He can make me into who He longs for me to be.  I don’t even care about what I want anymore.  In fact, I’m not even sure that I know what I want.  I just want what He wants.  I’m not going to say that giving Him every part of me – my heart, my mind, my emotions, my body, my everything – isn’t hard.  I just know that it has to be a mindful, constant daily surrender to myself.

This morning, our worship service was led by the youth of the church.  Such sweet worship and such powerful testimony of how the Lord is moving in their lives.  I wish I could capture the essence of the sweet, sweet spirit that was among us this morning.  There is no doubt in my mind that the Lord was moving in the heart of His church this morning.  I saw it on faces and I heard it in prayers.  Worship was awesome.  I can truly tell you that I worshipped with greater abandon than I think I ever have before.  I just felt so free after what the Lord has done in my life this weekend.  Worship is more than songs and lyrics - worship is a condition of the heart, and today proved that for me.  There were times when I was physically unable to sing the words out loud.  My heart was singing them for me.  Tears flowed very freely.  So powerful.

Every student that spoke this morning had something to say that specifically spoke to me:

• Be eager to get up, read the word, and go and share what the Lord has done for you.
• We long to drink from water that's flowing and not stagnant.  Jesus is this living water.
• A $100 bill is deemed worth its $100 by the government.  No matter what it's been used for - drugs, prostitution, alcohol - it's still worth $100 because its creator says that's what it's worth.  No matter what we go through, we're still worth something to Christ.  We are worth what God says we're worth - everything.
• The enemy wants us to get hung up on what we've done before.  It's not God's will to keep those reminders of our past looming over our heads.  It's in HIS name we overcome because HE IS ABLE. 
• Redwood trees grow huge in stature, but they have roots that only grow about 3 feet deep.  The reason they can withstand the storms that come their way is because their roots network with the roots of other trees near them.  They basically grow a system of roots to withstand nature's pressures.  Community is important.
• The devil will try to kick you down, but as you grow stronger in the Lord, the devil's going to get a sore foot because he won't be able to knock you down.
• One sweet teenager got up and was overcome with tears.  He couldn't even speak.  Our pastor reminded us that sometimes in not saying anything, we're able to see God's heart.
• Sometimes the mending phase hurts more than the broken phase.
• When a plant is in a pot, its roots can only spread so far. Get out of the pot!

Talk about Jesus speaking directly to me and my life!  Whew!  I cried.  A lot.  I'm so proud of these kids and how they're letting the Lord lead them and use them.  

I went down to the altar to pray today at the end of the service, and I was there only a few seconds before a friend knelt down and started praying over me.  It was so sweet and so humbling.  One specific thing she said as she prayed was that she knew the Lord knew my heart.  She asked him to give me the desires of my heart.  Of course, I cried some more.  

After the service ended, another sweet sister in Christ walked up to me and said "I need to pray for you."  She went on to pray over me, encouraging me to rest in the fact that God loves me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes and that he has amazing plans for me that I can’t even begin to imagine.  She ended and said, "God told me to tell you that He sees your heart.  He knows what you long for, and he will give you those desires." Tears.  Lots of tears.

I am in no way claiming that this is my “breakthrough” moment and that Jesus is finally going to bring me a husband.  (Y’all know what I mean.  If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a million times – “When you’re least expecting it…”)  That’s not where I’m going with this.  For the first time ever in my life, I’m not even concerned with that.  And it’s not out of frustration or discontent or the act of giving up.  It’s because for the first time ever, I want to be the me that He wants me to be.  What I do know is that I’m resting in Him and the knowledge that He sees.  He knows my heart – even when I’m not sure what my heart wants or what He could possibly have in store for me.

I’m believing with my whole heart that Jesus is good.  And that he’s not done with me yet…