I've spent the past year or two (or five! ha!) lamenting over my singleness and worrying about how my life doesn't seem to stack up to the life I imagined for myself. It's been a tough few years, but this past year has been my biggest struggle. The Lord handed me a gift-wrapped job in Baxley, complete with big fat pink bow and everything. While I don't doubt for one minute that I'm where I'm supposed to be, being home has been hard. I moved further away from my close-knit group of friends, and I've experienced loneliness and lack of personal connection like never before. Two of my very best friends got pregnant within months of each other, and all of the sudden I felt completely and utterly failed. I felt like I was failure at life because I was nowhere near their new season - the season in life where my mind thinks I should be. Like I was failure because no one wants me - like something's wrong with me. I really hate to admit it, but there were even times when I felt failed by God. Sadly, those broken record messages reminding me of my failure, my weaknesses, and my insecurities have been on continuous repeat in my mind. That's how the enemy works - attacking us at our weakest places; chipping away at our armor. In essence, I've spent the past year or so continuing to believe the lie that I'm not good enough. And I've lived my life in a constant state of "waiting."
Thankfully, my God's a God of grace and mercy and forgiveness. He's been so good to me. I have experienced some amazing spiritual growth right alongside of those times when I slip back into believing the enemy's lies. When I start to spend my time thinking about what I DO have instead of what I DON'T have, things are quickly snapped back into perspective. He's placed me in a church family where I can both serve and be invested in. He's given me students to love on - my students in class, my show choir "babies," and even my drama club kids. He's surrounded me by a loving, caring family and wonderful friends both near and far.
This past January, I went to Passion 2013 as a "chaperone" with my church. What an amazing experience! I very distinctly remember the first time Kristian Stanfill led us in the new song "The Lord Our God." One line really stuck out to me, and it kept repeating over and over and over in my head the rest of the week: "In the silence, in the waiting, still we can know you are good." Ummm... YES! Welcome to my life. This song was quickly dubbed the "song of my season." (You know... those songs that just speak to you during a certain season of your life? Song of the season!)
Fast forward a few months. The Passion CD is released. I listen to it on repeat. Like 90 Million times. I go to the Let The Future Begin Tour with Matt and Nic in Jax. I bawl like a baby the entire service. My heart was so tender to the Lord, and I could just feel him moving in me and soothing my spirit. Of course we sang "The Lord Our God," and of course I cried the whole time. I'm telling you, every time I sang this song, I cried. I was clinging so desperately to the knowledge that even though I was waiting, He was still good. Talk about being wrecked.
After I went to the LTFB Tour with the Whelans, I came back to church gushing over the worship experience that night. My friend Uvonne said she wanted to go. I looked at the schedule, confirmed that the only Georgia date was in Augusta in a week or so, and we made plans to go. The next week, our church had revival. While the Lord spoke to me through the sermons, he spoke most clearly during worship. I spent that week sniffling and blowing my nose every night. The tears just wouldn't stop flowing. Once again, it was just that overwhelming sense of being softened and soothed. Almost like the Lord was preparing me for what He was going to reveal to me. (You can read more about one major breakthrough I had at revival that week in the post below.)
Fast forward another week. I'd just turned 30 (don't get me started on that), and it was time for Uvonne and me to go to the LTFB tour concert in Augusta. I volleyed back and forth about going. I had our tickets, but I'd been sick and SUPER busy with American Bandstand, our major Spring show choir production. There were several times I talked myself out of going only to decide the next minute to go anyway. I knew it would be a good time, and I didn't want to miss it. Little did I know just how "good" it was going to be for me.
As I was driving us up to Augusta last Monday, I had the worst headache come over me. I took medicine, but it wouldn't let up. As worship started, I prayed and prayed that it would ease up. No such luck. I eventually said, "You know what? I'm just gonna worship through this." No sooner had I uttered those words to myself did the headache disappear. About two minutes after the headache finally left me, my right foot seized up in the weirdest, strongest, strangest cramp. I'm talking a major cramp that lasted five or ten minutes. I couldn't stretch my foot out, and it hurt so very badly. As soon as this happened, I realized what was going on. The enemy was trying his best to keep me from worshipping that night. I said once again, "I'm not gonna let this stop me from praising," and it stopped. Right after, the familiar strains of "The Lord Our God" started playing. I sang, and I cried and I worshipped and I prayed. Love these words, y'all. I love songs that speak of the Lord's promises for us. He is good. Always.
As I was driving us up to Augusta last Monday, I had the worst headache come over me. I took medicine, but it wouldn't let up. As worship started, I prayed and prayed that it would ease up. No such luck. I eventually said, "You know what? I'm just gonna worship through this." No sooner had I uttered those words to myself did the headache disappear. About two minutes after the headache finally left me, my right foot seized up in the weirdest, strongest, strangest cramp. I'm talking a major cramp that lasted five or ten minutes. I couldn't stretch my foot out, and it hurt so very badly. As soon as this happened, I realized what was going on. The enemy was trying his best to keep me from worshipping that night. I said once again, "I'm not gonna let this stop me from praising," and it stopped. Right after, the familiar strains of "The Lord Our God" started playing. I sang, and I cried and I worshipped and I prayed. Love these words, y'all. I love songs that speak of the Lord's promises for us. He is good. Always.
Promise maker, promise keeper
You finish what You begin
Our provision through the desert
You see it through ‘til the end
You see it through ‘til the end
The Lord our God is ever faithful
Never changing through the ages
From this darkness
You will lead us
And forever we will say
You're the Lord our God
In the silence, in the waiting
Still we can know You are good
All Your plans are for Your glory
Yes, we can know You are good
Yes, we can know You are good
You finish what You begin
Our provision through the desert
You see it through ‘til the end
You see it through ‘til the end
The Lord our God is ever faithful
Never changing through the ages
From this darkness
You will lead us
And forever we will say
You're the Lord our God
In the silence, in the waiting
Still we can know You are good
All Your plans are for Your glory
Yes, we can know You are good
Yes, we can know You are good
Kristian Stanfill was leading worship again that night, and as we finished that song, he said something that I think will forever be etched in my heart.
"You may be waiting, but you're not waiting alone."
If I'm sure of one thing, I'm sure that I was there that night for no other reason than to hear that one sentence. It changed my heart. I've made this time of waiting in my life all about me... I've been resentful and I've had pity parties and I've been angry and I've felt alone and I've been sure that no one understood how I felt. How wrong am I.
You see, I'd lost sight of one of the most important things. The One who died for me LIVES inside of me. The One who gave his all for me so I might come to know him breathes through me. The One who was mocked and scorned and felt abandoned by his own father while he hung on the cross understands how I feel. Completely.
I may be waiting, but I am not waiting alone.
I'm telling you, my perspective has been permanently altered. And for that, I'm grateful.
Funny (and not-so-funny) end to the story? On the way home from Augusta that night, I had a deer run smack dab into the front of my car. Major damage. Like can't open my driver's side door. Like $4500 worth of damage. You see, the enemy saw my healed heart and saw my joy, and he tried his best to steal it. No success. My God is GREATER.
Neat end to the story? This past Sunday, I rode with Karen to Atlanta to take Caitlin back to Georgia State. Cait goes to Passion City Church (PCC) when she's in ATL on the weekends, and we decided we'd leave in enough time to go to the 5 pm service at PCC. On the way up, it started POURING rain, and traffic was CRAZY on I-75. We were so scared we would miss worship completely. Thankfully, we got to church around 5:20. A few minutes late, but there nonetheless. I was in desperate need to use the potty, so I ran out to the bathroom after we found seats. :) No sooner had I stepped out of the bathroom than I hear some familiar opening chords. What song starts playing? You guessed it - "The Lord Our God." Talk about confirmation! I couldn't wipe the huge grin from my face! This time - for the first time - I didn't cry out of brokenness and in hope for the time when my "waiting" would be over. This time I worshipped with a happy heart over how the Lord has moved in me and made me realize that He is waiting with me. I may have cried a little... but they were good tears. (Imagine that. Me? Emotional?!?!) I promised the Lord that I won't move without Him! All I have and all I'll ever be is His!
"You may be waiting, but you're not waiting alone."
If I'm sure of one thing, I'm sure that I was there that night for no other reason than to hear that one sentence. It changed my heart. I've made this time of waiting in my life all about me... I've been resentful and I've had pity parties and I've been angry and I've felt alone and I've been sure that no one understood how I felt. How wrong am I.
You see, I'd lost sight of one of the most important things. The One who died for me LIVES inside of me. The One who gave his all for me so I might come to know him breathes through me. The One who was mocked and scorned and felt abandoned by his own father while he hung on the cross understands how I feel. Completely.
I may be waiting, but I am not waiting alone.
I'm telling you, my perspective has been permanently altered. And for that, I'm grateful.
Funny (and not-so-funny) end to the story? On the way home from Augusta that night, I had a deer run smack dab into the front of my car. Major damage. Like can't open my driver's side door. Like $4500 worth of damage. You see, the enemy saw my healed heart and saw my joy, and he tried his best to steal it. No success. My God is GREATER.
Neat end to the story? This past Sunday, I rode with Karen to Atlanta to take Caitlin back to Georgia State. Cait goes to Passion City Church (PCC) when she's in ATL on the weekends, and we decided we'd leave in enough time to go to the 5 pm service at PCC. On the way up, it started POURING rain, and traffic was CRAZY on I-75. We were so scared we would miss worship completely. Thankfully, we got to church around 5:20. A few minutes late, but there nonetheless. I was in desperate need to use the potty, so I ran out to the bathroom after we found seats. :) No sooner had I stepped out of the bathroom than I hear some familiar opening chords. What song starts playing? You guessed it - "The Lord Our God." Talk about confirmation! I couldn't wipe the huge grin from my face! This time - for the first time - I didn't cry out of brokenness and in hope for the time when my "waiting" would be over. This time I worshipped with a happy heart over how the Lord has moved in me and made me realize that He is waiting with me. I may have cried a little... but they were good tears. (Imagine that. Me? Emotional?!?!) I promised the Lord that I won't move without Him! All I have and all I'll ever be is His!
