Then some days - like today - I'm forced to face those desires head on. I sat in the church nursery today with a visiting toddler who just wouldn't stop crying. My baby-whispering claim to fame was severely challenged. I sent for the mother because the little girl just couldn't be consoled. As she soothed and rocked her baby girl, we started talking. She asked me about my own children. I quickly said I had none and that I wasn't married yet. She asked if I wanted children, and quickly, with bated breath I breathed out "Yes. Yes, I do." She asked if I wanted boys or girls, and I told her I'd love either or both. (Those of y'all that know me will be proud that I didn't go into the whole "I pray for red headed, curly headed babies" spiel! Haha!) I laughed and explained that I was a super girly-girl and thought it would probably be the Lord's sense of humor to give me rowdy, rambunctious, bug-loving boys. We spent a lot of time talking about babies and children and a lot of time rocking. I so enjoyed my time with her today.
After the service ended and the nursery was cleaned up, we had Dinner on the Grounds to celebrate the start of another school year. After eating and talking with some of my church family around the table, I decided to go "borrow" a precious 4 month old baby girl that belongs to a sweet couple in our church. I kissed her, I snuggled her, I talked to her. She cooed, she cackled, she helped ease the longings brought up by all the baby talk in the nursery. Right in the middle of our intense talking and cooing conversation, a member of my church walked by. He said, "Now that's a natural if I've ever seen one." I smiled and laughed, but deep down I fought back tears. Tears because those sweet yet gut-wrenching words I hear so often never get easier to hear. Tears because the repeated promises and affirmations from well-meaning people never really heal the wound. I know I'm not too old, and I know I have many years ahead of me. I also know my age will help me be a wiser, better mother. (Hopefully.) I've had more time to watch friends parent their children, and I've spent lots of my life infused into areas where I get to watch parent-child interactions. And even though I know these things to be true, I often wonder if the Lord has a different plan for me.
Even on these hard days, I still choose to rest in the knowledge that my God is who He says He is. Just a little while ago, Psalm 46:10 floated through my mind and settled there. "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." That's his desire for us. To rest in the knowledge that he is who He says He is.
I really love how the Lord ties things together in pretty little packages of affirmation. It takes that sometimes for my hard head and stubborn heart. Last week in Sunday School, we watched "The Rest App" sermon from Andy Stanley's Life Apps series. (You can watch the whole series here!) Ever since then, I've been wrestling with the thought of rest as a spiritual discipline. It is a spiritual discipline. The Lord is able to work in us and through us when we are at our best. Rest helps us be our physical best. Our bodies need to rest, recharge, and refuel. This is BIG for me. I live my life in a constant state of "go," and I am often exhausted because of it. (My need to stay busy.... that's a whole 'nother blog post there!) Needless to say, truly resting in the Lord is something I'm working on in my life.
I keep up with Passion City Church through Twitter and their email list. I consider them my "Atlanta church" when I'm up there for a weekend. (Nicole... I totally know what you mean now. Haha!) Anyway, PCC is doing their annual Sabbath break. For two weeks, they hold no services at the 515. They encourage their members to get back to the heart of Sabbath rest. Louie Giglio, pastor of PCC, posted a blog today about Sabbath rest. His wife Shelley tweeted a link earlier, and I just sat down to read it. (Like right in the middle of writing this post, I skipped over to the PCC website and read it. What can I say? ADD at its best.) I couldn't believe what I was reading.
From the blog:
"For us, Sabbath is more than just doing nothing, it is doing everything from a place of rest—an assurance that God is with us and in us, and that He is sufficient to accomplish all He has called us to do. Thus, God urged through the Psalmist, “Cease striving, and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10."
(Emphasis mine.)
Wow. Now that's what I'm talking about. Being still... ceasing striving... coming back to the knowledge that God is sufficient to accomplish all He wants to do in me and through me. You see, the absolute biggest desire of my heart is to be the woman that He intends for me to be. Yes, I desire to serve a husband in marriage. Yes, I long to have children of my own. But more than anything I want to be a woman who lives out the life He has called me to live. And while I'm still not quite certain what His plan for me is, I know that it includes living a life that will glorify Him in all I do.
I kept reading further, and I was completely blown away.
"Sabbath rest is remembering that God calls us into His plans, He doesn’t call us to create the plans and make them happen. At the outset, God invited Abraham into the unknown. But that invitation was not without a promise. God had been planning all along to make Abraham’s descendants as numerous as the stars, to make him the father of our faith. But God’s timing and God ways required Abraham to trust Him every step of the way.
At a point of desperation in old age, Abraham gave up on the promise and had a son by his maidservant, because his wife Sarah was unable to bear him the child that would accomplish God’s plan. Like us, Abraham became burdened with the weight of making the plan happen, when all God asked of him was to be available to what He was going to do.
God wants us to work with all our might as we participate in His plans. But Sabbath is about remembering that while we are responsible to step into the opportunities God sets before us, He is responsible for the outcomes. In the end, God did come through, and He did fulfill His promise for and through Abraham’s life."
(Words from PCC's blog by Louie Giglio; emphasis all mine. Haha.)
I'm thankful I'm still lingering in a place where I don't feel rushed to make the desires of my heart happen on my own. I haven't taken matters into my own hands because I absolutely believe that my God is a much better plan-maker than I'll ever be. I've tried to find relationships on my own, and I've failed. Miserably. I was just telling a friend the other day that I get frustrated sometimes with these heart desires (the wife and mother ones). I'm fairly certain I could've fulfilled them already if I'd allowed myself to settle and make my own plans happen. Could I go out and find a husband and have children? Probably. But I'm not settling. For me, marriage is about way more than just a ring and "permission" to do "married things." Marriage is all about walking beside someone as we follow Christ's plan for our lives together. If marriage were to happen for me, it would be a vital part of my calling to ministry within the body. I couldn't possibly walk in ministry without the support of a husband who does the same. For me, it's more than finding a "good" guy who goes to church. It's waiting to find a man that loves Christ more than he loves me. A man that is growing in his faith and striving to be more like Christ every day.
And while I sometimes grow weary in the wait, I know it's going to be worth it. Because regardless of whether I ever marry or have children, I'm going to continue to rest in the goodness and sufficiency of my Lord. To rest in the knowledge that He has a plan. I'm learning to trust Him and walk where He leads. And that, my friends, is what it's really all about. This is His story, anyway.
