I started this post last night… but then I decided that I was just too close to it. You know… too consumed. I needed to step back and think things through. Gather my thoughts. Check my emotions. Ensure that I’m not being too melodramatic. (Me? Melodramatic? Nooooo. Not me!) So, I came back to it tonight. I still think that it needs to be written. After all, writing things out makes it (whatever it is) permanent… concrete… and not something that you can just sweep under the rug and forget about. So here we go…
So, I'm lying in bed tonight bawling my eyes out. I'm not talking cutesy little tear-tracks-streaming-down-my-face crying. I'm talking silent, gut-wrenching sobs and snotty, mascara-stained pillowcases. Serious heartache. Heartache from realizing that I'm three days away from my 28th birthday and I'm no closer to living the life I want than I was a year ago. I try to get in bed as early as I can on school nights... key word is try. Tonight, I was in bed early – like 9:30, but my eyes weren't heavy yet... my soul was wide awake... my spirit was churning. I was lying there pondering some of the "situations" I manage to get myself into. On my mind right now - how I tend to base my happiness on other people - which is totally inane and just plain stupid. I know that happiness is circumstantial and that JOY is from the Lord... but yet I still allow myself to get wrapped up in happiness (or lack thereof) rather than be overwhelmed with the Joy of the Lord. Like I said - stupid, stupid, stupid. So, I'm lying there... alone... and lonely... and just plain depressed when all of the sudden I think to myself… This is NOT the life I want.
I don't want this life. The life where I'm 28 and single. The life where I'm 28 and living at home with my parents. The life where I'm 28 and still struggling to manage my money well. The life where I'm 28 and unsure of my purpose in life. The life where I'm 28 and not certain where I should work or what I should teach or if I should pursue another degree. The life where I'm 28 and feel totally and utterly alone. The life where I'm 28 and I realize that my fertility is shrinking by the second. The life where I'm 28 and STILL struggling to give complete control of every aspect of my life to the Lord. The life where I'm 28 and I'm overweight. The life where I'm 28 and I let people use me. The life where I'm 28 and I still struggle to show love to my family. The life where I'm 28 and I still can't manage to be organized. The life where I'm 28 and I still haven't learned to keep my emotions in check. The life where I’m 28 and I don’t feel needed. The life where I'm 28 and I still long to please people and not God. The life where I'm 28 and I invest too much of my heart into people who don't return the investment. The life where I'm 28 and I value other's opinions of me more than I value God's opinion of me. The life where I'm 28 and I still try to base my worth and value in my relationships with others. The life where I'm 28 and still eons away from the perfect life I've imagined. The life where I'm 28 and my hopes and dreams seem futile. The life where I'm 28 and I realize… This is NOT the life I want.
I only find myself sad and contemplative when I get still. And quiet. And alone. That’s when the voices rage inside my head. That’s when my heart quivers. That’s when questions and doubts surface.
Don't get me wrong - I am blessed. And most days, I'm happy. But this truly is not what I thought my life would be. I know without a doubt that these past few years (albeit rough years) have been a season of growth for me. I know that the Lord is growing me and changing me and shaping me into the woman He wants me to be. I can see it. I can feel it. I know it. But even still, I long for the life I had planned. And while I know that God’s ways are not our ways, I know that He promises to give me a hope and future. My plan may not be His plan, but I know that He has placed these desires in my heart for a reason.
I long for the life where I’m known as a woman after God’s own heart. A life where I’m someone’s wife and someone’s mother. A life where I’m living out my purpose. A life where I’m emotionally healed. A life where I’m healthy. A life where I love my job, my calling. A life where I don’t base my worth on anything other than the knowledge that I am child of God. A life where I truly and wholeheartedly love others. I life where I am needed and loved. A life where I put others’ needs before my own. A life where I absolutely crave the Word. A life where my first instinct in troubled times is to praise. A life where my life’s not about me but about Him. That’s the life I want.
And it’s in these broken times when I realize that who I am now is not who I want to be that I find hope.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” - Romans 8:28
“…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 1:6
“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I promised you.” - Genesis 28:15
“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.” – Hebrews 10:23
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus… And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 4:6-7, 19
WOW. I know it feels so overwhelming right now.
ReplyDeleteThese verses came to my mind from Lamentations 1, 2, and 3. Sort of out of conext but seem to fit your feelings.
See, LORD, how distressed I am! I am in torment within, and in my heart I am disturbed.
My eyes fail from weeping, I am in torment within;
my heart is poured out on the ground.
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”
I hope that your morning is better!
And your fertility is NOT shrinking. MY OB/GYN can confirm that. ;)
I love you friend!
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, and I randomly came across your blog, but because I have had similar feelings in my life I thought I would share with you something that I find comforting. Here is the full link, but there is an excerpt below. I hope you find this encouraging. There are more speeches for single adults on this site, so feel free to search around.
http://lds.org/ensign/1997/03/a-conversation-with-single-adults?lang=eng
"Never forget that there is something of divinity in each of you. You are a son or daughter of God, and you have a wonderful inheritance. I hope you will never belittle or demean yourself.
On an occasion similar to this I told of an experience I once had. One evening when my wife was at something which women call “a shower” and I was home alone, I put on a record, turned down the lights, and listened to Beethoven’s Concerto for the Violin. As I sat there in the semidarkness, I marveled that such a thing could come of the mind of a man, a man who, in most respects, was as I am. I do not know how tall he was or how broad he was or how much hair he had, but I guess he looked very much like the rest of us. He became hungry, he felt pain, he had most of the problems we have and maybe some we do not have. But out of the genius of that inspired mind came the creation of a masterpiece which has entertained the world through all of these many years.
I marvel at the miracle of the human mind and body. Have you ever contemplated the wonders of yourself, the eyes with which you see, the ears with which you hear, the voice with which you speak? No camera ever built can compare with the human eye. No method of communication ever devised can compare with the voice and the ear. No pump ever built will run as long or as efficiently as the human heart. No computer or other creation of science can equal the human brain. What a remarkable thing you are. You can think by day and dream by night. You can speak and hear and smell. Look at your finger. The most skillful attempt to reproduce it mechanically has resulted in only a crude approximation. The next time you use your finger, watch it, look at it, and sense the wonder of it.
You are a child of God, His crowning creation. After He had formed the earth, separated the darkness from the light, divided the waters, created the plant and animal kingdoms—after all this He created man and then woman. I repeat, I hope you will never demean or belittle yourselves. Some of you may think you are not attractive, that you have no talents. Stop wandering around in the wasteland of self-pity. The greatest missionary the world has known, the Apostle Paul, is said to have been short, have a large Roman nose, rounded shoulders, and a whining voice, all of which may not sound too attractive to some persons. Abraham Lincoln, America’s greatest hero, was tragically homely. But from his great heart and mind came words such as few other men have spoken.
I hope you will not indulge in put-downs, in pessimism, in self-recrimination."
Came across your blog from a mutual friend Stacy's blog. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I was thinking a few of the same thoughts the other day as I near my 30th birthday in the next few months. I am nowhere that I thought I would be by the "old" age {with one foot in the grave} of 30.
ReplyDeleteSo much has happened that I did not plan. I am a planner - I plan my meals, my outfits, I have 1-5-10 year plans. Then something devistating happened in my life and I have realized that God's plans are the only ones that matter - not mine. Sure, I can plan my outfits and meals, but my life? That is up to Him.
There is a purpose for every season and every season has its purpose {hopefully I quoted that correctly}.
I will keep you in my prayers,
Your sister in Christ.
Carrie, I love you! I am not that much older than you (!), but may I say (and this is NOT "advice") that we will never get where we want to be--any of us on this planet. I FINALLY gave up and surrendered all of it to God. I mean EVERYTHING! Not speaking of salvation, already done that many years ago, I mean gave Him this "picture" of the perfect life I play/have played in my mind all of the time. You don't "have it all" when you have a husband, children, cat and dog and own your own home--BELIEVE ME, CARRIE BETH!!! Wish I could share it all... "Please, Jesus, come quickly!" is my prayer every day. THEN will I have a perfect life in heaven! Find a little happiness every day--contentment is elusive--we're just humans. Keep listening and give it up to Him. I am much happier since I got that "slap in the face!" I, for one, look up to you. Remember we're all in this together and we just have to keep listening to Him!
ReplyDelete