An audible pause...

I’m new to this. Well, not necessarily brand new, but new none the less. Just go with me on this one…

 I started blogging years ago (think 2004ish in the era of LiveJournal before Blogger got so popular), but I stopped. I mostly blogged my creative writings as an outlet of sorts. I think I hit a creative wall and that is why I stopped. Fast forward four years to 2008… the first year of grad school! : ) My friend Nicole and I decided we’d start blogging… (Nicole, do you even remember why? I’m sure I could force myself to think back that far, but then again, you know my memory is not so hot most of the time.) Anyway, we decided to start blogging, and so we did. I created a snazzy little blog. And for a while, I blogged… a little bit. But then I lost interest… didn’t have time… was too stressed with my job… was too stressed with grad school… didn’t think I had anything to write about… hit another creative wall… something like that. Well, Nicole continued. I was always proud – and a little bit jealous – of her blogging. Such dedication, that girl! Now why couldn’t I stick to this whole blogging thing??? : ) Well, I read her blog religiously – it allowed me a peek into her life since I moved back home (more on that later). I slowly found other blogs to read… in fact, there are twenty or thirty blogs - by random people… from all walks of life… that I don’t even know in real life – that I read religiously. Which leads me to this: I have a confession to make – I’m a Blurker… a blog lurker. That’s right. I read and follow these awesome ladies’ lives, but I just don’t leave comments. (Ok, well there are a few exceptions… like the one comment I’ve left Kelly, the one comment I’ve left Annie, and the one comment I’ve left Mojito Maven.) I really just lurk. And think “Now why am I not blogging??? I could do this. I know I can. In fact, I’m pretty sure it would be good for me…”

So, all of this is whirling and twirling and tumbling around in my mind (along with the other ninety million things I’ve got going on up there) when 2010 (Seriously, 2010?!?!?!) rolls around. I think to myself – “Hmmmm… perfect New Year’s resolution! I’ll resolve to write! I’ve already been talking pretty sternly to myself about taking the time to write creatively more often that I do now which is pretty much never… and I would love to take the time to just WRITE… about my day, about what I’m reading, about the new recipe I’ve found, about anything and everything. Yeah… that’s it. I’ll write.”


Ok, so you’re already learning something about me without even realizing it… but I’ll point it out just to make sure you’re on the same page as I am… I’m a procrastinator. Always have been. I work extremely well under pressure. I think. So, YES, I am aware that it is now January 18th and I’m just following through with my resolution to write! I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I just couldn’t think of a title for my new blog. Yup. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it! I knew I wanted a good name… a great blog title… and I just couldn’t think of one. So, I had to take a few weeks to allow some ideas to simmer. And then one day last week, it hit me! YES, last week! I had “direction” for my blog, but I had to decide how to introduce myself to the blog world. So, once again, I had to take some time to let things meld.   Ok, here we go. You following me? This is about to get twisty-turvy!


Caesuras. Ellipses. Bends in the road. Places of rest. Audible Pauses.


Sometimes I feel like I’m living in a caesura or an ellipsis. And you’re probably thinking, what prey tell is a caesura? An ellipsis? They are audible pauses. A caesura is a term that denotes an audible pause in a line of verse, speech, prose, or music. A caesura is a break. An interruption. Caesuras are marked by punctuation – stops, dashes, commas, semicolons, ellipses, etc. Which brings me to my favorite form of punctuation EVER. Ellipses. Man, I love me an ellipsis… : ) Ellipses (the plural of ellipsis) are marks (…) that indicate an intentional omission of a word or phrase. They can also be used to indicate a pause in speech, an unfinished thought, or when at the end of a sentence, the speaker (or author or narrator) trailing off into silence. They can also signify a jump from one topic to another. I tend to use these a lot in my writing. Mainly because I tend to think in trailing ideas and thoughts. I think in ellipses. I blame this on ADD. No lie, I’ve got serious ADD. (Just ask my friends… they can so attest to this! Both the ADD part and the part about me thinking in ellipses.)


So, there was your mini-grammar lesson. Yes, I am an English teacher. : )


Still wondering how all of this applies to me? My life? This blog? Well, let’s just say that 2009 was not the most spectacular year of my life. In fact, neither was 2008. I’ve been through some major ups and downs these past few years. I lost sight of what was most important to me – my relationship with the Lord; I made many major mistakes; I was basically slandered due to a personal attack by a “professional” superior that could have very well been a possible career-ender; I had my character questioned; I resigned from my job and entered the world of the unemployed.


Resigning from my job was the pivotal moment for me in 2009. Maybe it was not the smartest thing in the world to do in regards to our country’s current economic standings. However, it was necessary. And God-breathed. I felt at such peace when I did not re-sign my contract for this school year. I absolutely KNEW it was the right thing to do, but I really, really, really wanted to stay in the same area. However, God had other things in store for me. I was unable to find another teaching job in my area due to the cutbacks being made statewide in the field of education, and my savings were slowly dwindling. I made the decision to move home, two hours away from my “life.” Moving home was bittersweet. I am extremely close to my family. They mean so much to me, and I was super excited about being able to be a part of their everyday lives. However, moving home forced me to leave my comfortable surroundings, my independence, and my awesome network of friends.


I’m home – or at least in my hometown. But I think it's home - really home.  I’m at a crossroads of sorts in my life. I’m struggling to find my place in the world. I’m reevaluating my career path. I’m gaining my bearings again. I’m building myself back up. I’m at a bend in the road. A place of rest. A caesura. An ellipsis.  I’m finding my way back to the Lord, and I’m listening for his still, small voice.  All in the midst of an audible pause...